It's 2:30am (GMT +01:00), and I'm lying in bed typing this on my phone, because I don't want to disturb my roommate (my boyfriend's sister) with the click-clacking of MacBook keys or the glare of my computer screen. I have insomnia (a common side-effect of certain medication) and my mind has decided sleep ain't happening any time soon.
I'm tossing and turning thinking about the photos I recently uploaded to Facebook, when my long-distance boyfriend came to visit in July. I have spent hours composing this album. As with all the albums I upload, II carefully scrutinise each image, deleting any unflattering ones and meticulously editing the 'suitable' ones. It's quite an intense screening process! The selection is guided by questions like: “Do I look happy / attractive / carefree enough? Will it garner a respectable number of likes? (Many of my photos mysteriously disappear if they fall below my 'minimum’ threshold) Will these photos inspire jealousy in my acquaintances?” (Most of whom, if we're honest with ourselves, are not really our friends, but people we want to stalk from time to time for curiosity and comparison). Housemates are consulted - “Is this photo ok, or does it look too much like I’m posing?” (The new “Does this dress make me look fat?”)
And yet, for all my vanity and narcissism, I'm still not comfortable posting my ‘cream of the crop’ photos: the problem being they only reflect one side of my life. I once read a wise quote (can't remember where) which said "don’t compare your behind-the-scenes to everyone else's highlights reel". I KNOW I'm guilty of this mindset - and anticipating it, even exploiting it in other people. Don't get me wrong, I love Facebook - it's incredibly useful for organising things via groups, and I love when friends share interesting articles, fun photos or exciting news! But I feel fed up of deceiving people with this two-dimensional, concentrated-happiness version of myself.
I appreciate that Facebook is not an appropriate medium to air your dirty laundry or reveal the skeletons in your closet. However, I can’t help but feel that my Facebook profile is astonishingly dishonest or at least only presenting a half-truth... Which is why, in addition to posting my finely-tuned, carefully selected photos, I am writing this blog to balance things out.
If you've looked at or followed my profile over the last year, you may have seen:
- Lots of photos of me having fun with my fellow church interns (no signs of tension, tedium or stress)
- Photos of awesome, luxurious food cooked by culinary housemates (no evidence of arguments over cleaning)
- Photos of my idyllic trips abroad, including a holiday in Tunisia (it really wasn’t hot enough to warrant a bikini)
- Gushing statuses and gooey-eyed photos of me and my gorgeous (sorry, obviously biased!) Italian boyfriend
These components of my life are genuine, and I'm very grateful to God for them. But it's nothing compared to what's been happening beneath the shiny veneer...
Last August my depression returned with a vengeance, and I've been battling it ever since. I'm on a higher level of medication than I've ever been before, due to destructive behaviour including self-harming and forgoing food. It's put a considerable train on my relationships, particularly with family, my boyfriend overseas, and my colleagues and fellow church interns. It also caused me to wrestle with my faith in God, given I believed I had been permanently and miraculously 'cured' of depression forever. (see last blog post)
Two months ago, I experienced a mental breakdown and was failing to look after myself, depending on housemates a great deal and failing to fulfil church commitments - such was the extent my self-neglect that I became ill a lot and ended my church internship prematurely on doctor's orders, quietly slipping away to recover at home with my mum and cutting contact with almost everybody for a time.
I am taking a risk sharing this sensitive information with you, but I'm doing it by way of apology for misrepresenting myself for so long. I'm not trying to play the victim by telling you these things, seeking sympathy or warped praise for powering through (I would be nowhere but for God's strength and the love and support of friends and family). If this does alter your perception of me, I am sure it can only be a good thing. I may have a very privileged life in many ways, but I have my share of heartache and flaws - I just keep others in the dark about it most of the time.
I hope this blog entry will be the first of many, regardless of how many pageviews it gets! I think it's important to be honest and vulnerable for as long as I'm flaunting the somewhat-sunnier aspects of my life. From now on, I will write with honesty and openness about things that are important to me, both the good times and the bad - my faith, my long-distance relationship and particular my experience with mental illness. (A deliberate effort to combat stigma around depression and increase understanding and awareness).
What I hope to achieve is an accurate portrayal of my life, which I invite you to share in. (If you're actually interested!) I'd also like to say SORRY to anyone whom I've made to feel crappy (inadvertently or otherwise) through what I have posted, for whatever reason. I remember in particular how awful it felt when I was (perpetually) single, resenting couples who uploaded endless photos of their relationship bliss (and engagement declarations that get SO MANY LIKES!) - and now I admit I’ve been a total hypocrite doing the thing that once hurt me and damaged my own self esteem. If that’s you, I apologise - I hope you will forgive my self-indulgence!
Feel free to pass this blog on to anyone it might benefit - I hope it's helpful!
Well, it's now 03:26, so I'm going to have another crack at sleeping - and if that fails, I can always write another blog entry ;) The next one will be much more positive!
Ciao for now,
S.A.
